Thanks to everyone who has stopped by to read my blog!
And thanks also for asking about my new pregnancy.
As soon as I fell pregnant I knew I would not keep posting on this blog about my new pregnancy. I didn't want it to be jinxed by the miscarriage.
I did want to post the news that I was pregnant though, to give everyone else who goes through the heartache of miscarriage hope that they too will fall pregnant again soon.
Take care
xox
Monday, December 17, 2007
Monday, November 5, 2007
Monday, October 15, 2007
Thursday, October 11, 2007
CD7
Still having the odd bit of spotting following my first period after m/c.
I fear for my lining, that it is not going to form properly if I am still losing bits of it...
I fear that my hormones are doing things other than they should.
Having a miscarriage is such a bigger deal physically than I ever imagined.
It's effects MONTHS of your life...
I conceived in July. It is now October.
That is 3 months of my life taken up to be back at square one.
Actually, that's funny. It feels like a whole lot more than just 3 months!!
I fear for my lining, that it is not going to form properly if I am still losing bits of it...
I fear that my hormones are doing things other than they should.
Having a miscarriage is such a bigger deal physically than I ever imagined.
It's effects MONTHS of your life...
I conceived in July. It is now October.
That is 3 months of my life taken up to be back at square one.
Actually, that's funny. It feels like a whole lot more than just 3 months!!
Tuesday, October 9, 2007
CD5
God damn, I just had some fresh red bleeding!!!
I cannot believe it.
I thought my period was over.
I didn't have any bleeding yesterday.
Why can't anything be normal anymore??????
I cannot believe it.
I thought my period was over.
I didn't have any bleeding yesterday.
Why can't anything be normal anymore??????
That could be the culprit... CD5
Thrush! Argh.
OB called last night to let me know that the swab taken last week showed that I had developed thrush. Great. I have not had thrush since I was a teenager. Yuck. Anyway, at least it's minor and treatable. It's annoying that it's yet another thing I have to deal with on the road to recovery, but at least now I have an explanation for why I've been feeling not-quite-right. And it's not a bad explanation at that.
He also said Friday's ultrasound showed everything to be OK.
My first period since miscarriage is over. I have heard you often get a nightmare period for your first one post-mc but mine was very mild. I did have mild crampy feelings for a couple of days and one afternoon of heavy bleeding, all up the period lasted for about 3-4 days. This is in contrast to my normal period that lasts about 5 days and where the first day I am doubled over with painful cramping for several hours. So I got off pretty easy :)
On Sunday we officially started "trying again". It is exciting to be trying again without obsessing about it. We just do what we do and wait for the magic to happen :)
All the best
OB called last night to let me know that the swab taken last week showed that I had developed thrush. Great. I have not had thrush since I was a teenager. Yuck. Anyway, at least it's minor and treatable. It's annoying that it's yet another thing I have to deal with on the road to recovery, but at least now I have an explanation for why I've been feeling not-quite-right. And it's not a bad explanation at that.
He also said Friday's ultrasound showed everything to be OK.
My first period since miscarriage is over. I have heard you often get a nightmare period for your first one post-mc but mine was very mild. I did have mild crampy feelings for a couple of days and one afternoon of heavy bleeding, all up the period lasted for about 3-4 days. This is in contrast to my normal period that lasts about 5 days and where the first day I am doubled over with painful cramping for several hours. So I got off pretty easy :)
On Sunday we officially started "trying again". It is exciting to be trying again without obsessing about it. We just do what we do and wait for the magic to happen :)
All the best
Friday, October 5, 2007
CD1 Starting Over
It is CD1 for me now.
A new cycle.
Another chance.
A new beginning.
Hopeful again.
My period began for real today. It freaked me out a bit to once again be dripping blood. Such a sad reminder of the miscarriage. I am glad though. When I stop bleeding we will officially be "trying again". I am excited, and scared, and more than a little jaded. After Wednesday's ultrasound, the pains easing, and now my period turning up I am convinced everything is OK. I still have the OB referred ultrasound today which I'd rather do without now but will go to anyway - so it better not show anything other than that I'm fine!
I can't believe my period showed up exactly four weeks after the miscarriage. That is amazing. Evidence that my body really is being controlled by a higher power than myself.
I am hoping this will be my last AF for a long while. Now I am emotionally preparing to embark on the TTC journey once again and see where that takes us this time...
take care everyone.
A new cycle.
Another chance.
A new beginning.
Hopeful again.
My period began for real today. It freaked me out a bit to once again be dripping blood. Such a sad reminder of the miscarriage. I am glad though. When I stop bleeding we will officially be "trying again". I am excited, and scared, and more than a little jaded. After Wednesday's ultrasound, the pains easing, and now my period turning up I am convinced everything is OK. I still have the OB referred ultrasound today which I'd rather do without now but will go to anyway - so it better not show anything other than that I'm fine!
I can't believe my period showed up exactly four weeks after the miscarriage. That is amazing. Evidence that my body really is being controlled by a higher power than myself.
I am hoping this will be my last AF for a long while. Now I am emotionally preparing to embark on the TTC journey once again and see where that takes us this time...
take care everyone.
Thursday, October 4, 2007
OB Visits, Ultrasounds and AF????? CD28
On Tuesday I went back to see OB (AGAIN!!!) for continuing niggling discomfort. He did yet another ultrasound. I swear I have had more ultrasound/OB visits for this miscarriage than I had for my whole pregnancy with Iz. (And a hell of a lot more drama). He said everything looks "grossly normal", charming term, and that the lining of my uterus had thickened up which indicated my cycle was restarting. He then said he couldn't totally rule out retained tissue maybe a membrane or something, that wasn't showing up on ultrasound?????? wtf??????
I am hoping he was just saying that to cover his ass because he couldn't think of what else might be wrong. I do not want to be hearing that I have retained tissue. Apparently the lining on my fundus was minutely thicker than on the rest of my uterus. He did an internal, checking for pain when he pressed on various spots on my abdomen. There wasn't any, it's not that type of pain. He doesn't think I still have an infection, though he did take a swab. He also asked, phrasing it differently of course, whether I was imagining this "pain". This is something I have asked myself many times too.... Maybe it is all in my head. God knows.
He suggested a D&C in case there was some tissue, or offered to refer me for another ultrasound at a place where they have a better machine to try and see if there is tissue there. I opted for the ultrasound, which I will have on Friday.
Yesterday I had the ultrasound referred by my GP. It's findings were totally normal - that I have no evidence of infection, or retained tissue or anything else questionable. They also found a collapsing follicle on my right ovary (the right side is where my "pain" has been) and said it could be a corpus lutem. So maybe I've ovulated since the MC??????
I felt pretty positive after that ultrasound. If I do have retained tissue, it's invisible tissue. Imaginary tissue.
Then this morning I have very faint spotting and first-day-of-my-period style cramps. Again WTF??? I was expecting my period sometime soon, but not this soon. Then I realised it's exactly 4 weeks since the miscarriage. Is my body-clock that regular? that's crazy. They're definitely period-style cramps too, not like the cramps I had during and after the miscarriage. At the ultrasound yesterday the lining of my uterus was only 6.5mm (on the low side) so I'm not expecting a heavy period.
Now I am a total ball of confusion...............This miscarriage has just thrown me one curve ball after another. This is not familiar terrain....
I am hoping he was just saying that to cover his ass because he couldn't think of what else might be wrong. I do not want to be hearing that I have retained tissue. Apparently the lining on my fundus was minutely thicker than on the rest of my uterus. He did an internal, checking for pain when he pressed on various spots on my abdomen. There wasn't any, it's not that type of pain. He doesn't think I still have an infection, though he did take a swab. He also asked, phrasing it differently of course, whether I was imagining this "pain". This is something I have asked myself many times too.... Maybe it is all in my head. God knows.
He suggested a D&C in case there was some tissue, or offered to refer me for another ultrasound at a place where they have a better machine to try and see if there is tissue there. I opted for the ultrasound, which I will have on Friday.
Yesterday I had the ultrasound referred by my GP. It's findings were totally normal - that I have no evidence of infection, or retained tissue or anything else questionable. They also found a collapsing follicle on my right ovary (the right side is where my "pain" has been) and said it could be a corpus lutem. So maybe I've ovulated since the MC??????
I felt pretty positive after that ultrasound. If I do have retained tissue, it's invisible tissue. Imaginary tissue.
Then this morning I have very faint spotting and first-day-of-my-period style cramps. Again WTF??? I was expecting my period sometime soon, but not this soon. Then I realised it's exactly 4 weeks since the miscarriage. Is my body-clock that regular? that's crazy. They're definitely period-style cramps too, not like the cramps I had during and after the miscarriage. At the ultrasound yesterday the lining of my uterus was only 6.5mm (on the low side) so I'm not expecting a heavy period.
Now I am a total ball of confusion...............This miscarriage has just thrown me one curve ball after another. This is not familiar terrain....
Thursday, September 27, 2007
The Never Ending Story...... CD 21
And on it goes.
I stopped bleeding red blood pretty much the day after my OB pulled the last of the retained tissue from my cervix. I then had very light spotting/brown mucous for a further week. So all in all it was about two and a half weeks after the miscarriage until the bleeding ceased completely (CD17). Since the bleeding stopped I have had some EWCM which I have read is common after miscarriage and is just your body sorting itself out and not a true fertility sign. Not that fertility signs would be much use to me at the moment given that we are using "protection" because I do not want to risk falling pregnant while on the antibiotics.
Last Thursday (CD15) I went for another checkup with my OB to make sure there was no further retained tissue and that the infection was clearing. He scanned my uterus and said everything looked OK. On the ultrasound he did see a black line in my uterus which indicated a little fluid and said it probably meant I had a tiny bit more blood to lose. At the end of the appointment he wrote in his notes "complete miscarriage", closed my folder and told me I didn't need to come back until I was pregnant again. Sweet relief. Leaving his office after that appointment I felt that same feeling of freedom I felt as a kid being dismissed on the last day of school term before summer holidays. Aah it was good...
This past week though I continue to have some "discomfort" in my pelvic region. It's not pain exactly, but it just doesn't feel right in there. So I went to my GP today and told her I think the infection might still be there. She prescribed another dose of both antibiotics (I am still going with the last of my Metronide, but I finished the Augmentin a couple of days ago), and referred me for another ultrasound next Wednesday. I thought it best get a second opinion rather than go back to my OB, given that I don't really like him that much anyway. Maybe if there's a problem the GP can't treat she will refer me to another specialist. Oh and it was nice to speak to someone who didn't think i was insane for wanting to miscarry naturally.
God this never-ending miscarriage is driving me crazy. Like a pendulum I swing from being so put off that I never want to have another baby to total despair thinking that this infection is going to rob me of my fertility.
I stopped bleeding red blood pretty much the day after my OB pulled the last of the retained tissue from my cervix. I then had very light spotting/brown mucous for a further week. So all in all it was about two and a half weeks after the miscarriage until the bleeding ceased completely (CD17). Since the bleeding stopped I have had some EWCM which I have read is common after miscarriage and is just your body sorting itself out and not a true fertility sign. Not that fertility signs would be much use to me at the moment given that we are using "protection" because I do not want to risk falling pregnant while on the antibiotics.
Last Thursday (CD15) I went for another checkup with my OB to make sure there was no further retained tissue and that the infection was clearing. He scanned my uterus and said everything looked OK. On the ultrasound he did see a black line in my uterus which indicated a little fluid and said it probably meant I had a tiny bit more blood to lose. At the end of the appointment he wrote in his notes "complete miscarriage", closed my folder and told me I didn't need to come back until I was pregnant again. Sweet relief. Leaving his office after that appointment I felt that same feeling of freedom I felt as a kid being dismissed on the last day of school term before summer holidays. Aah it was good...
This past week though I continue to have some "discomfort" in my pelvic region. It's not pain exactly, but it just doesn't feel right in there. So I went to my GP today and told her I think the infection might still be there. She prescribed another dose of both antibiotics (I am still going with the last of my Metronide, but I finished the Augmentin a couple of days ago), and referred me for another ultrasound next Wednesday. I thought it best get a second opinion rather than go back to my OB, given that I don't really like him that much anyway. Maybe if there's a problem the GP can't treat she will refer me to another specialist. Oh and it was nice to speak to someone who didn't think i was insane for wanting to miscarry naturally.
God this never-ending miscarriage is driving me crazy. Like a pendulum I swing from being so put off that I never want to have another baby to total despair thinking that this infection is going to rob me of my fertility.
Wednesday, September 19, 2007
Complications CD13
I can't believe it has been 2 weeks since the miscarriage. Time does fly.
My recovery seemed to be on track until last Thursday when everything went pear-shaped.
In the early afternoon when I went to the restroom I noticed my body was trying to pass some more tissue, and that it appeared to be "stuck". I went into a total panic and called M to come and get me from work and take me to the ER.
When I got to the RBH they saw me straight away, I had an internal and abdominal ultrasound done and they confirmed that I had some retained tissue. I think it was like a membranous tissue. Thankfully it was sitting on my cervix waiting to be passed, and not still attached to my uterus. The doctor there tried to remove it manually with some forceps. I am still horrified to think of that! It wasn't actually painful, just a horrific position to be in. And she was so clumsy...... my god. I thought if I got out alive and with my reproductive capabilities intact it would be a miracle!! She got some of the tissue out but not all. I was discharged later that night under the condition that I would see my OB the following day.
Saw my OB Friday afternoon. He removed the rest of the tissue in the same fashion (more horror!!!). He also thought I had an infection and prescribed Augmentin Duo Forte and Metronide 400 which I am to take for 10 and 14 days respectively. I got the prescription filled at the chemist near his surgery and would have swallowed the first lot of tablets then and there had they not needed to be taken with food, such was my fear of the infection. Friday night I felt seriously depressed and worried about the infection - what if it really did affect my future fertility? Luckily the doctor sent the tissue off for analysis so we can be sure I am on the correct antibiotics. Oh, and the doctor said my uterus had not yet contracted back to its normal size.
Of course all of this had me really second guessing my decision to have a natural miscarriage. You know what they say about hindsight being 20/20.... Anyway, I did a bit of web-surfing on "infection after miscarriage" and a lot of the stories actually related to infections after D&C, so I guess there's no way to know whether this same thing may have happened had I have had the D&C. Where I sit now I am still glad that I had the natural miscarriage... call me crazy...
My bleeding had been fairly light and continued to be up until Friday night. Since then it has been practically non-existent. Just brownish spotting/staining. I have had a few drops of red spotting every day still though. It is down to once a day and always within an hour of me telling M that I haven't bled yet today. (He says I jinx myself). The latest was earlier this morning. I am just looking forward to a time when I am no longer bleeding!!
We did end up making love a couple of nights ago... I couldn't stand the celibacy any longer! We used a condom... but it was nice to lie around naked together afterwards.
I have my next OB appointment tomorrow afternoon so hoping for the good news that my uterus has contracted down. Feeling a little despondent and not holding my breath for good news, nothing else seems to be going right so far...
I also hope the infection has cleared, but I'm not sure how I'd know given that I didn't have any fever or pain. The results of the tissue culture were a small Strep C infection. The doctor thinks the antibiotics I am on should be effective in treating it.
Good O. I just want it to be O V E R. I am tired of this miscarriage!!!
Thanks everyone who has stopped by to read my blog. I hope you have gotten something out of it. I hope my experience has not scared anyone off!! I don't think there's ever an easy way to miscarry but all in all I do not think my experience has been too bad. I will continue to post until this is well and truly finished. Take care and all the best.
My recovery seemed to be on track until last Thursday when everything went pear-shaped.
In the early afternoon when I went to the restroom I noticed my body was trying to pass some more tissue, and that it appeared to be "stuck". I went into a total panic and called M to come and get me from work and take me to the ER.
When I got to the RBH they saw me straight away, I had an internal and abdominal ultrasound done and they confirmed that I had some retained tissue. I think it was like a membranous tissue. Thankfully it was sitting on my cervix waiting to be passed, and not still attached to my uterus. The doctor there tried to remove it manually with some forceps. I am still horrified to think of that! It wasn't actually painful, just a horrific position to be in. And she was so clumsy...... my god. I thought if I got out alive and with my reproductive capabilities intact it would be a miracle!! She got some of the tissue out but not all. I was discharged later that night under the condition that I would see my OB the following day.
Saw my OB Friday afternoon. He removed the rest of the tissue in the same fashion (more horror!!!). He also thought I had an infection and prescribed Augmentin Duo Forte and Metronide 400 which I am to take for 10 and 14 days respectively. I got the prescription filled at the chemist near his surgery and would have swallowed the first lot of tablets then and there had they not needed to be taken with food, such was my fear of the infection. Friday night I felt seriously depressed and worried about the infection - what if it really did affect my future fertility? Luckily the doctor sent the tissue off for analysis so we can be sure I am on the correct antibiotics. Oh, and the doctor said my uterus had not yet contracted back to its normal size.
Of course all of this had me really second guessing my decision to have a natural miscarriage. You know what they say about hindsight being 20/20.... Anyway, I did a bit of web-surfing on "infection after miscarriage" and a lot of the stories actually related to infections after D&C, so I guess there's no way to know whether this same thing may have happened had I have had the D&C. Where I sit now I am still glad that I had the natural miscarriage... call me crazy...
My bleeding had been fairly light and continued to be up until Friday night. Since then it has been practically non-existent. Just brownish spotting/staining. I have had a few drops of red spotting every day still though. It is down to once a day and always within an hour of me telling M that I haven't bled yet today. (He says I jinx myself). The latest was earlier this morning. I am just looking forward to a time when I am no longer bleeding!!
We did end up making love a couple of nights ago... I couldn't stand the celibacy any longer! We used a condom... but it was nice to lie around naked together afterwards.
I have my next OB appointment tomorrow afternoon so hoping for the good news that my uterus has contracted down. Feeling a little despondent and not holding my breath for good news, nothing else seems to be going right so far...
I also hope the infection has cleared, but I'm not sure how I'd know given that I didn't have any fever or pain. The results of the tissue culture were a small Strep C infection. The doctor thinks the antibiotics I am on should be effective in treating it.
Good O. I just want it to be O V E R. I am tired of this miscarriage!!!
Thanks everyone who has stopped by to read my blog. I hope you have gotten something out of it. I hope my experience has not scared anyone off!! I don't think there's ever an easy way to miscarry but all in all I do not think my experience has been too bad. I will continue to post until this is well and truly finished. Take care and all the best.
Thursday, September 13, 2007
1 Week On..... CD7
Well, it has been a week since the miscarriage....
I am still bleeding. The bleeding seemed to be slowing down yesterday to the likes of a light period day. Then last night I had renewed bleeding of quite a bit of red blood and a slight crampy feeling. That was depressing...... just when I thought the end was in sight. Of course now I am worried that it means there is something wrong - retained tissue or infection or something. I have my followup OB appointment Monday morning and am really hoping for the all-clear.
I am a bit nervous at the thought of TTC again. Last time we TTC I obsessed about it majorly. Luckily we fell pregnant on our first month of trying. I don't know how I'll cope with that level of obsession month-in and month-out if it doesn't happen so quickly this time. I'll have to make a conscious effort not to obsess and to take an interest in other things, but it won't be easy!
That's one of the reasons I wish the bleeding would stop soon, so we can make love again. Because right now we're not and if we're not making love we've got no chance of making a baby. At least if we were making love it would feel like we were doing "something" in the baby-making stakes, even if I am not yet ovulating...
I am still bleeding. The bleeding seemed to be slowing down yesterday to the likes of a light period day. Then last night I had renewed bleeding of quite a bit of red blood and a slight crampy feeling. That was depressing...... just when I thought the end was in sight. Of course now I am worried that it means there is something wrong - retained tissue or infection or something. I have my followup OB appointment Monday morning and am really hoping for the all-clear.
I am a bit nervous at the thought of TTC again. Last time we TTC I obsessed about it majorly. Luckily we fell pregnant on our first month of trying. I don't know how I'll cope with that level of obsession month-in and month-out if it doesn't happen so quickly this time. I'll have to make a conscious effort not to obsess and to take an interest in other things, but it won't be easy!
That's one of the reasons I wish the bleeding would stop soon, so we can make love again. Because right now we're not and if we're not making love we've got no chance of making a baby. At least if we were making love it would feel like we were doing "something" in the baby-making stakes, even if I am not yet ovulating...
Monday, September 10, 2007
Recovering CD5
So far the recovery hasn't been too bad.
Friday morning I felt a little woozy. By Friday afternoon I was feeling physically OK but my emotions were all over the place. On the drive home from work I started crying. Harder than I had since we first found out that this pregnancy was not to be. We went to dinner with M's parents and brother to celebrate his birthday. I didn't want to go. I was sure there would be discussion of Dave and Melissa and their pending delivery. I couldn't face that. Mercifully there was none - they were not mentioned at all.
Saturday and Sunday morning I actually felt pretty good. The heavy heavy bleeding of Thursday/Friday had slowed down a bit.
I think I overdid it a bit on Saturday night (slightly-drunken Wii bowling) and Sunday (shopping trip) because Sunday noon I started contracting again. Not painfully but I could tell they were strong contractions and I started bleeding quite heavily again. It was getting tiresome that every time I'd use the restroom it'd look like a crime scene. I took it easy for the rest of Sunday and things settled down OK.
Today I feel normal. The bleeding continues but it is lighter and I have the odd contraction sensation. The bleeding is still odd in that it is not drops of blood, but rather most of it happens when I use the restroom and it comes out all stringy-like. As if the blood is mixed with a fair bit of cervical fluid or something.
Anyway, looks like my recovery is on track at this stage. I scoured the net for "bleeding after miscarriage" and it looks like bleeding for 2-3 weeks is the norm. I am getting a bit sick of the bleeding though. It is a constant reminder of our loss, whereas I just want things to get back to normal so I can move on with trying again. M and I discussed trying again and we would both like to do so ASAP. Surprisingly, one of the most significant factors is our lack of desire to use other contraceptive methods (condoms, withdrawal) for the one - three cycles that you are "supposed" to wait.
And not being able to make love for 2 weeks following the miscarriage is one of the worst things about it.
Friday morning I felt a little woozy. By Friday afternoon I was feeling physically OK but my emotions were all over the place. On the drive home from work I started crying. Harder than I had since we first found out that this pregnancy was not to be. We went to dinner with M's parents and brother to celebrate his birthday. I didn't want to go. I was sure there would be discussion of Dave and Melissa and their pending delivery. I couldn't face that. Mercifully there was none - they were not mentioned at all.
Saturday and Sunday morning I actually felt pretty good. The heavy heavy bleeding of Thursday/Friday had slowed down a bit.
I think I overdid it a bit on Saturday night (slightly-drunken Wii bowling) and Sunday (shopping trip) because Sunday noon I started contracting again. Not painfully but I could tell they were strong contractions and I started bleeding quite heavily again. It was getting tiresome that every time I'd use the restroom it'd look like a crime scene. I took it easy for the rest of Sunday and things settled down OK.
Today I feel normal. The bleeding continues but it is lighter and I have the odd contraction sensation. The bleeding is still odd in that it is not drops of blood, but rather most of it happens when I use the restroom and it comes out all stringy-like. As if the blood is mixed with a fair bit of cervical fluid or something.
Anyway, looks like my recovery is on track at this stage. I scoured the net for "bleeding after miscarriage" and it looks like bleeding for 2-3 weeks is the norm. I am getting a bit sick of the bleeding though. It is a constant reminder of our loss, whereas I just want things to get back to normal so I can move on with trying again. M and I discussed trying again and we would both like to do so ASAP. Surprisingly, one of the most significant factors is our lack of desire to use other contraceptive methods (condoms, withdrawal) for the one - three cycles that you are "supposed" to wait.
And not being able to make love for 2 weeks following the miscarriage is one of the worst things about it.
Friday, September 7, 2007
I am now a miscarriage survivor CD2
So it happened.
On Wednesday night.
After nothing much happening Wednesday afternoon, Wednesday from 4pm onwards I started having the occasional cramp, by 8pm we were ensconed in front to the TV and the cramping intensified to the level it had been the previous evening. At about 9:30pm we watched an episode of Girls of the Playboy Mansion. I was imitating their fake laughs. Maybe a bit too hard. After the show finished at about 10pm I stood up to go to the restroom and all of a sudden I felt a large clot come out of me. Up till this point I had not had much bleeding at all. I ran to the bathroom. I did not think my pad would be able to contain it. I bled the clot out into a bucket. I had heard that you should bleed into a bucket rather than the toilet (so that you can see how much blood you are losing and so that you know when you have lost the gestational sack and placenta).
I knew it had started for real this time.
The active part of the miscarriage lasted from about 10pm until 1am. During this time I would sit in front of the TV breathing through the contractions, then rush to bleed into the bucket when i felt the clots were about to come out. It was like going into labour. The contractions were painful. Very painful. But it was no worse than the worst period pain I've ever had. For me it wasn't anywhere close to the pain of giving birth. I had an epidural for Izzy's birth and I still felt intense pain. He was posterior, maybe that's why his birth was so painful.
I refrained from taking any painkillers (thanks dbkate for this advice!) during the active part of the miscarriage. At about midnight I passed the gestational sack. It wasn't painful to pass, it just felt like I was passing another blood clot. It didn't look at all like what I expected. It looked and felt exactly like a small perfectly clear transparent jelly fish. It was about 5cm in diameter, but a disc rather than a sphere, perfectly round, but with the stalk (umbilical cord?) still attached where it would have been attached to the placenta. Being a blighted ovum there was no embryo inside (probably a mercy). I showed it to M.
I thought things would subside after I passed the sack but they didn't. I was still having the intense cramping. Then about 30 minutes later I passed something else which was clearly tissue rather than just a clot. It looked kind of like a small sausage. I guessed it was the placenta. After passing that the contractions continued for a while, and I passed some more large blood clots.
At about 1am the contractions died down a bit and I seemed to have stopped passing large clots.
I took 2 panadols so I could get some sleep.
I had survived.
I had not haemmhoraged. I did lose a lot of blood, but it was mostly clots so I wasn't too worried.
I slept until morning.
I got up and cooked M his birthday breakfast and took my son to school.
Then I went back to bed slept for the rest of the day.
I really slept all of the next day (Thursday). I was exhausted. I was not expecting that.
Now it is Friday. Day 2 after the miscarriage. I am at work. I still feel a little dizzy and tired and I am still cramping. Some times painfully, sometimes mildly and I am bleeding like a very heavy period. I have to go back to my OB a week after the miscarriage to check that I have no retained products of conception. I feel like I expelled it all. I really hope I have. That would be the final insult to have to have a D&C for retained products after waiting this long and going through the natural miscarriage.
My recovery plan is to take it easy physically. I am taking prenatal vitamins and bio iron supplements as well as drinking liquid chlorophyll (about 2 tblsp a day) to aid in my recovery.
The physical miscarriage was gruelling, as was waiting for it to happen, but in the end I am glad that I did it this way rather than opting straight for the D&C. While waiting to miscarry I have had time to grieve the loss of my pregnancy. I thought I would feel relieved now that the miscarriage is over, but I don't. I just feel sad. I'm sure the relief will come in time, because it's not really all over yet. I still have to get the all-clear from my OB and the bleeding and cramping has to stop. I am thinking of TTC again, but M and I have not yet discussed "when", I will leave that until I am a little more healed.
I will continue to post updates on this blog until the miscarriage is totally over.
Thanks for taking the time to read my blog.
On Wednesday night.
After nothing much happening Wednesday afternoon, Wednesday from 4pm onwards I started having the occasional cramp, by 8pm we were ensconed in front to the TV and the cramping intensified to the level it had been the previous evening. At about 9:30pm we watched an episode of Girls of the Playboy Mansion. I was imitating their fake laughs. Maybe a bit too hard. After the show finished at about 10pm I stood up to go to the restroom and all of a sudden I felt a large clot come out of me. Up till this point I had not had much bleeding at all. I ran to the bathroom. I did not think my pad would be able to contain it. I bled the clot out into a bucket. I had heard that you should bleed into a bucket rather than the toilet (so that you can see how much blood you are losing and so that you know when you have lost the gestational sack and placenta).
I knew it had started for real this time.
The active part of the miscarriage lasted from about 10pm until 1am. During this time I would sit in front of the TV breathing through the contractions, then rush to bleed into the bucket when i felt the clots were about to come out. It was like going into labour. The contractions were painful. Very painful. But it was no worse than the worst period pain I've ever had. For me it wasn't anywhere close to the pain of giving birth. I had an epidural for Izzy's birth and I still felt intense pain. He was posterior, maybe that's why his birth was so painful.
I refrained from taking any painkillers (thanks dbkate for this advice!) during the active part of the miscarriage. At about midnight I passed the gestational sack. It wasn't painful to pass, it just felt like I was passing another blood clot. It didn't look at all like what I expected. It looked and felt exactly like a small perfectly clear transparent jelly fish. It was about 5cm in diameter, but a disc rather than a sphere, perfectly round, but with the stalk (umbilical cord?) still attached where it would have been attached to the placenta. Being a blighted ovum there was no embryo inside (probably a mercy). I showed it to M.
I thought things would subside after I passed the sack but they didn't. I was still having the intense cramping. Then about 30 minutes later I passed something else which was clearly tissue rather than just a clot. It looked kind of like a small sausage. I guessed it was the placenta. After passing that the contractions continued for a while, and I passed some more large blood clots.
At about 1am the contractions died down a bit and I seemed to have stopped passing large clots.
I took 2 panadols so I could get some sleep.
I had survived.
I had not haemmhoraged. I did lose a lot of blood, but it was mostly clots so I wasn't too worried.
I slept until morning.
I got up and cooked M his birthday breakfast and took my son to school.
Then I went back to bed slept for the rest of the day.
I really slept all of the next day (Thursday). I was exhausted. I was not expecting that.
Now it is Friday. Day 2 after the miscarriage. I am at work. I still feel a little dizzy and tired and I am still cramping. Some times painfully, sometimes mildly and I am bleeding like a very heavy period. I have to go back to my OB a week after the miscarriage to check that I have no retained products of conception. I feel like I expelled it all. I really hope I have. That would be the final insult to have to have a D&C for retained products after waiting this long and going through the natural miscarriage.
My recovery plan is to take it easy physically. I am taking prenatal vitamins and bio iron supplements as well as drinking liquid chlorophyll (about 2 tblsp a day) to aid in my recovery.
The physical miscarriage was gruelling, as was waiting for it to happen, but in the end I am glad that I did it this way rather than opting straight for the D&C. While waiting to miscarry I have had time to grieve the loss of my pregnancy. I thought I would feel relieved now that the miscarriage is over, but I don't. I just feel sad. I'm sure the relief will come in time, because it's not really all over yet. I still have to get the all-clear from my OB and the bleeding and cramping has to stop. I am thinking of TTC again, but M and I have not yet discussed "when", I will leave that until I am a little more healed.
I will continue to post updates on this blog until the miscarriage is totally over.
Thanks for taking the time to read my blog.
Wednesday, September 5, 2007
Woken at 4am by a contraction!!!! 11W5D
I was sound asleep and I awoke to this "feeling" in my lower abodmen.
It took me a few sleepy disoriented moments to realise it was a contraction.
Definitely a contraction. Different to a cramp.
It wasn't all that painful.
I went to the restroom.
There was red blood!
And quite a few small clots!!
Who would have thought I would be so exicited to see such a thing?
It's starting!! Hooray !! It's starting!!
So I downed 2 panadols + 2 neurophens (...expecting the cramps to get much worse. I have on occasion had period pain that was so bad it made me want to curl up and die) and went out to watch some early morning TV. The Urban Request Show was on Channel V (MTV equivalent).
Had a couple more contractions not long after that first one. Then...nothing....
Went to bed just before six. Fell asleep for half an hour. Woke up feeling groggy and disoriented but otherwise fine. Thought I may as well go to work (here I am) because one thing this miscarriage has taught me so far is that nothing happens in a hurry. Had a mini-fight with M because he thought I was crazy to go to work. (Maybe I am but payroll tax is due Friday...) I am still bleeding a little bit of red blood, kind of like a light period, with the occasional tiny clot. No further cramps! Still waiting for the main event... The plan is to call hubby and he'll come and take me home if things get really bad.
It took me a few sleepy disoriented moments to realise it was a contraction.
Definitely a contraction. Different to a cramp.
It wasn't all that painful.
I went to the restroom.
There was red blood!
And quite a few small clots!!
Who would have thought I would be so exicited to see such a thing?
It's starting!! Hooray !! It's starting!!
So I downed 2 panadols + 2 neurophens (...expecting the cramps to get much worse. I have on occasion had period pain that was so bad it made me want to curl up and die) and went out to watch some early morning TV. The Urban Request Show was on Channel V (MTV equivalent).
Had a couple more contractions not long after that first one. Then...nothing....
Went to bed just before six. Fell asleep for half an hour. Woke up feeling groggy and disoriented but otherwise fine. Thought I may as well go to work (here I am) because one thing this miscarriage has taught me so far is that nothing happens in a hurry. Had a mini-fight with M because he thought I was crazy to go to work. (Maybe I am but payroll tax is due Friday...) I am still bleeding a little bit of red blood, kind of like a light period, with the occasional tiny clot. No further cramps! Still waiting for the main event... The plan is to call hubby and he'll come and take me home if things get really bad.
Tuesday, September 4, 2007
...11W4D
The light spotting and cramping continues....
It is annoying that even this stage is taking so long.
I made a parsley infusion last night (supposedly an emmenagogue) and drank about a litre of it in the space of an hour!! It didn't taste too bad, a bit like a celery broth, but I don't think it has done anything to help the miscarriage along. So we can add that to the list of things I've tried that have been unsuccessful...
It is annoying that even this stage is taking so long.
I made a parsley infusion last night (supposedly an emmenagogue) and drank about a litre of it in the space of an hour!! It didn't taste too bad, a bit like a celery broth, but I don't think it has done anything to help the miscarriage along. So we can add that to the list of things I've tried that have been unsuccessful...
Monday, September 3, 2007
Finally something has happened!!!! 11W3D
Finally!!!
At last....
I can stop going crazy (for the moment)
While we were away at the conference, early Thursday morning after making love I went to use the bathroom and saw blood when I wiped and a small blob of blood about the size of a 5 cent piece in the toilet bowl. I cannot tell you how excited I was! I called out to M - "baby, I'm bleeding!!". I was scared that the miscarriage was going to happen while I was away from home, but just so relieved after so many weeks of nothing that there was finally something. I felt nothing... just saw the blood. It just appeared without warning.
It didn't last however.
For the rest of Thursday and the following 2 days there was nothing. Not another hint of blood.
It was quite infuriating.
Then yesterday (Sunday) I felt a little tired and cranky in the morning so had a little nap around midday. I woke from the nap feeling the slightest cramping and a tiny bit of brownish-red mucous. Sunday night we took dad out for father's day dinner and when we got home from dinner I still had the slight cramping but there was a few drops of blood on my pad. Aah, sweet relief, it was starting (or so i thought...).
This continued. At bedtime I used the toilet and could actually see the drops of blood dripping into the bowl. The blood looked strange, not like a normal period which just looks like regular blood. This blood was kind of thicker, like the tiniest bits of broken down tissue. I sat on the toilet for quite a while as a little collection of the blood/tissue pooled below. In all it was probably about the size of a 10-20 cent piece. So nothing much to speak of. But a start.
I didn't know what to do... I was nervous to go to sleep. I thought the bad cramping would start up during the night, so I figured I should rest now while I could. Went to bed about 11pm. Woke up around 2 am to some more mild cramping went to the toilet and repeated the above experience. Slept again until 5.
This morning I didn't have any further bleeding and the (very light) cramping seemed to have let up. Then at about 10:45am I had some more light cramping and had an almost-identical repeat of the bleeding experiences above. The cramping seems to come in waves which are followed by the bleeding. I have to say at this stage the cramping is very light. I expect it will get much much worse. At the moment I feel ever so slightly crampy all the time, but it's such that you're never sure if you actually are having a cramp. When I get the cramps that precede the bleeding they are a tiny bit stronger such that I know I am having a cramp. But they are not in any way bad. I am not even close to reaching for the panadols yet.
So we wait and we see...............
At last....
I can stop going crazy (for the moment)
While we were away at the conference, early Thursday morning after making love I went to use the bathroom and saw blood when I wiped and a small blob of blood about the size of a 5 cent piece in the toilet bowl. I cannot tell you how excited I was! I called out to M - "baby, I'm bleeding!!". I was scared that the miscarriage was going to happen while I was away from home, but just so relieved after so many weeks of nothing that there was finally something. I felt nothing... just saw the blood. It just appeared without warning.
It didn't last however.
For the rest of Thursday and the following 2 days there was nothing. Not another hint of blood.
It was quite infuriating.
Then yesterday (Sunday) I felt a little tired and cranky in the morning so had a little nap around midday. I woke from the nap feeling the slightest cramping and a tiny bit of brownish-red mucous. Sunday night we took dad out for father's day dinner and when we got home from dinner I still had the slight cramping but there was a few drops of blood on my pad. Aah, sweet relief, it was starting (or so i thought...).
This continued. At bedtime I used the toilet and could actually see the drops of blood dripping into the bowl. The blood looked strange, not like a normal period which just looks like regular blood. This blood was kind of thicker, like the tiniest bits of broken down tissue. I sat on the toilet for quite a while as a little collection of the blood/tissue pooled below. In all it was probably about the size of a 10-20 cent piece. So nothing much to speak of. But a start.
I didn't know what to do... I was nervous to go to sleep. I thought the bad cramping would start up during the night, so I figured I should rest now while I could. Went to bed about 11pm. Woke up around 2 am to some more mild cramping went to the toilet and repeated the above experience. Slept again until 5.
This morning I didn't have any further bleeding and the (very light) cramping seemed to have let up. Then at about 10:45am I had some more light cramping and had an almost-identical repeat of the bleeding experiences above. The cramping seems to come in waves which are followed by the bleeding. I have to say at this stage the cramping is very light. I expect it will get much much worse. At the moment I feel ever so slightly crampy all the time, but it's such that you're never sure if you actually are having a cramp. When I get the cramps that precede the bleeding they are a tiny bit stronger such that I know I am having a cramp. But they are not in any way bad. I am not even close to reaching for the panadols yet.
So we wait and we see...............
Tuesday, August 28, 2007
Still 10W4D
I have definitely noticed some strange sticky yellowish mucous today for the first time.
Is something happening???????????????
Is something happening???????????????
Still nothing..... 10W4D
Nothing, nada, zip, zilch.
So here are the things that I have tried to do to bring on this miscarriage that have not worked:
- rubbing peppermint oil on my lower abdomen
- drinking peppermint tea
- visualisations
- having sex
- abdominal massage
OK, admittedly I haven't tried any of them particularly hard.
But still!
Christ!
What will it take to get this thing to let go???
Last night I asked the near-full moon what I can do to make the miscarriage happen sooner and it told me that you can't rush the cycles of nature. So I asked for patience. And I asked not to hemorrhage when it does happen. It also told me to shower my husband with love (in response to a different question).... aah the moon is wise.
Speaking of the moon, tonight, being on the Eastern Seaboard of Australia we are in a prime position to witness the Lunar Eclipse. A blood red moon is expected. Surely there could be a no more auspicious sign to herald the long-awaited Miscarriage.
(OK, maybe I have lost my mind now!)
Just wanted to add I will be away on a conference for the next few nights so won't be able to post updates. Don't get too excited... Just because I'm not posting doesn't mean I'm finally having the miscarriage!
So here are the things that I have tried to do to bring on this miscarriage that have not worked:
- rubbing peppermint oil on my lower abdomen
- drinking peppermint tea
- visualisations
- having sex
- abdominal massage
OK, admittedly I haven't tried any of them particularly hard.
But still!
Christ!
What will it take to get this thing to let go???
Last night I asked the near-full moon what I can do to make the miscarriage happen sooner and it told me that you can't rush the cycles of nature. So I asked for patience. And I asked not to hemorrhage when it does happen. It also told me to shower my husband with love (in response to a different question).... aah the moon is wise.
Speaking of the moon, tonight, being on the Eastern Seaboard of Australia we are in a prime position to witness the Lunar Eclipse. A blood red moon is expected. Surely there could be a no more auspicious sign to herald the long-awaited Miscarriage.
(OK, maybe I have lost my mind now!)
Just wanted to add I will be away on a conference for the next few nights so won't be able to post updates. Don't get too excited... Just because I'm not posting doesn't mean I'm finally having the miscarriage!
Monday, August 27, 2007
I miss our baby too 10W3D
No sign of anything on the miscarriage front. Over the weekend M and I talked a little about it and he said that he misses our baby. I cried when he said that. We did have a baby, for a few short weeks.
Pregnancy breast-tenderness has all but disappeared. I have stopped thinking so much about what the actual miscarriage will be like since it seems like such a remote event. I wonder if my body is busy all this time breaking down the gestational sack etc so that when the m/c happens it won't be much more than a period. God I wish that were the truth of it. I have stopped being all panicky thinking the miscarriage is going to happen any minute, because frankly it's not.
Pregnancy breast-tenderness has all but disappeared. I have stopped thinking so much about what the actual miscarriage will be like since it seems like such a remote event. I wonder if my body is busy all this time breaking down the gestational sack etc so that when the m/c happens it won't be much more than a period. God I wish that were the truth of it. I have stopped being all panicky thinking the miscarriage is going to happen any minute, because frankly it's not.
Friday, August 24, 2007
My Pity Party 10W
10 weeks of this fucking nightmare.
WARNING
I am feeling a little emotionally unbalanced at the minute.
I was reading pregnant-husband.blogspot.com and his wife's first pregnancy was a blighted ovum. But then I went on to read about their next pregnancy which happened pretty soon after their (D&C) miscarriage and resulted in a healthy baby boy. I saw the picture from their 12 week ultrasound and instead of being happy and hopeful I was upset thinking that's what I should have inside me about now, instead of this fucking empty sack that will not budge.
Then I get an email from M stating that next month will be a big one in terms of his family commitments, as it is his birthday, his dad's birthday and his brother's birthday. Not to mention with his brother coming back from London there will probably be a big "welcome home" party for him. His brother, whose wife is pregnant and due in December, who announced they were 12 weeks pregnant one week before M & I were finally able to start "trying" (health insurance waiting period....). So No, I don't fucking want to go to your brother's Welcome Home Party. Excuse me, but I just don't feel like it. I am having quite the little pity party today.
Maybe I am being silly and stubborn in waiting for this natural miscarriage. Maybe I should just go and get the D&C and get it over and done with. Over. Finished. So we can start trying again. I so want to be pregnant again.
It's funny but I feel somehow different today. I physically feel "normal". Not pregnant. Those little cramps I've had ever day of this pregnancy seem to have gone. When we made love this morning I just felt normal, not at all tender like I have been lately.
Emotionally I am quite the opposite however.
I am just now doing a google search on "induce miscarriage" and suggesting to M via email perhaps we should tell people about our loss so we don't get his brother's pregnancy rammed down our throats for the next however many months.
WARNING
I am feeling a little emotionally unbalanced at the minute.
I was reading pregnant-husband.blogspot.com and his wife's first pregnancy was a blighted ovum. But then I went on to read about their next pregnancy which happened pretty soon after their (D&C) miscarriage and resulted in a healthy baby boy. I saw the picture from their 12 week ultrasound and instead of being happy and hopeful I was upset thinking that's what I should have inside me about now, instead of this fucking empty sack that will not budge.
Then I get an email from M stating that next month will be a big one in terms of his family commitments, as it is his birthday, his dad's birthday and his brother's birthday. Not to mention with his brother coming back from London there will probably be a big "welcome home" party for him. His brother, whose wife is pregnant and due in December, who announced they were 12 weeks pregnant one week before M & I were finally able to start "trying" (health insurance waiting period....). So No, I don't fucking want to go to your brother's Welcome Home Party. Excuse me, but I just don't feel like it. I am having quite the little pity party today.
Maybe I am being silly and stubborn in waiting for this natural miscarriage. Maybe I should just go and get the D&C and get it over and done with. Over. Finished. So we can start trying again. I so want to be pregnant again.
It's funny but I feel somehow different today. I physically feel "normal". Not pregnant. Those little cramps I've had ever day of this pregnancy seem to have gone. When we made love this morning I just felt normal, not at all tender like I have been lately.
Emotionally I am quite the opposite however.
I am just now doing a google search on "induce miscarriage" and suggesting to M via email perhaps we should tell people about our loss so we don't get his brother's pregnancy rammed down our throats for the next however many months.
Thursday, August 23, 2007
I need to stop obsessing... Still 9W6D
I think I need to obsessing about whether every twinge I feel is a cramp and whether at any moment I have started bleeding. I'm pretty sure that when the real cramping or the real bleeding begins I will know about it, without needing to give it a second thought.
I wonder if in a way I am psychologically stopping the miscarriage from happening yet. Because it is taking a very long time... Not that I am not ready to let go of the pregnancy. I have long accepted that it is over. But maybe my fear of the miscarriage itself is preventing it from finally happening.
Well, one thing's for sure, my body knows how to hold onto a pregnancy. I'll give it that much. Just hopefully next time it'll be a viable pregnancy that it's holding on to.
I wonder if in a way I am psychologically stopping the miscarriage from happening yet. Because it is taking a very long time... Not that I am not ready to let go of the pregnancy. I have long accepted that it is over. But maybe my fear of the miscarriage itself is preventing it from finally happening.
Well, one thing's for sure, my body knows how to hold onto a pregnancy. I'll give it that much. Just hopefully next time it'll be a viable pregnancy that it's holding on to.
More false hope??? 9W6D
I was woken by Iz at 2:30am last night, with a low (diabetic). Stopping by the toilet on the way back to bed I noticed my slippery translucent cervical mucous (CM) had a definite red tinge. Is this the beginning? I went back to bed and my heart was pounding. I couldn't get back to sleep for ages. I had been waiting for so long to see blood but now that I had (or thought I had) I was scared.
I expected I would wake up a few hours later to full red blood and intensifying cramping.
But nothing.
It is 8:30am and I am at work now.
It's almost like I imagined that red tinge.
Again I ask, when will this ever end????
Last night I told M I don't think this miscarriage is ever going to happen. And we talked about how we were worried it would happen while we were at Noosa for his conference next week.
I expected I would wake up a few hours later to full red blood and intensifying cramping.
But nothing.
It is 8:30am and I am at work now.
It's almost like I imagined that red tinge.
Again I ask, when will this ever end????
Last night I told M I don't think this miscarriage is ever going to happen. And we talked about how we were worried it would happen while we were at Noosa for his conference next week.
Wednesday, August 22, 2007
Ramblings 9W5D
Sitting at my desk at work this afternoon having trawled through all 11 pages of Google search results for "waiting to miscarry" I was struck by what an awful and bizarre situation this is. I am sitting around, going about my daily life waiting to start pouring blood or have massive painful cramps. This is indeed a bizarre time.
If I forget about it, will it all just go away?
The new moon comes on September 11. That is absolutely the longest I will wait. If you believe the moon affects female fertility, the new moon is traditionally the time of bleeding.
Yesterday I started this blog about my "waiting to miscarry" experience. It's basically my diary entries published on the net. After I did the first post of the day it all begin I lost a bit of momentum because it seems like there are heaps of infertility blogs out there. But I didn't find one that detailed the day-to-day insanity that is waiting to miscarry, so I thought I'd put this out there for anyone else who is unfortunate enough to find themselves in the same situation. Today when I did my Google search on "waiting to miscarry" I saw my blog was the third link in the results! Feeling encouraged.
Still no sign of any spotting/bleeding. Just continuing abundance of that clear slippery pregnancy mucous. I am having the perfect pregnancy....oh, except I have no baby.
If I forget about it, will it all just go away?
The new moon comes on September 11. That is absolutely the longest I will wait. If you believe the moon affects female fertility, the new moon is traditionally the time of bleeding.
Yesterday I started this blog about my "waiting to miscarry" experience. It's basically my diary entries published on the net. After I did the first post of the day it all begin I lost a bit of momentum because it seems like there are heaps of infertility blogs out there. But I didn't find one that detailed the day-to-day insanity that is waiting to miscarry, so I thought I'd put this out there for anyone else who is unfortunate enough to find themselves in the same situation. Today when I did my Google search on "waiting to miscarry" I saw my blog was the third link in the results! Feeling encouraged.
Still no sign of any spotting/bleeding. Just continuing abundance of that clear slippery pregnancy mucous. I am having the perfect pregnancy....oh, except I have no baby.
Tuesday, August 21, 2007
Come on already.......9W4D
I think I will be in shock and disbelief when the miscarriage does finally start.
I have spent so much time looking for the bleeding and waiting for the cramping but never actually having any of either yet, that it is hard to believe it will ever actually happen.
Of course, I do not want to wait forever. I have read on one website of a woman who waited until she was 18W to finally miscarry her blighted ovum (BO) naturally. I would not want to wait that long. I read that most BO's miscarry in the first trimester. So I will wait until I am 12 weeks (that's only 2 and a bit weeks away) and I will go back to the OB to see what's going on. See if he can do another scan. Maybe ask for more HCG tests to see if I'm at least getting closer.
If only it would end.........
I have spent so much time looking for the bleeding and waiting for the cramping but never actually having any of either yet, that it is hard to believe it will ever actually happen.
Of course, I do not want to wait forever. I have read on one website of a woman who waited until she was 18W to finally miscarry her blighted ovum (BO) naturally. I would not want to wait that long. I read that most BO's miscarry in the first trimester. So I will wait until I am 12 weeks (that's only 2 and a bit weeks away) and I will go back to the OB to see what's going on. See if he can do another scan. Maybe ask for more HCG tests to see if I'm at least getting closer.
If only it would end.........
Saturday, August 18, 2007
False hope.... 9W1D
Last night and this morning I have twice seen the very slightest traces of blood in my cervical mucous. Also on Thursday at the ultrasound he could see what looked like bleeding near the gestational sack. I am hoping that the miscarriage is imminent but I am also scared of what I will have to go through.
I expect it will be painful and I will lose a lot of blood. But I am scared of losing too much blood. That is my biggest fear. Hemorrhaging to death. I have started taking iron tablets and liquid chlorophyll to build my blood supply/iron reserves.
I do feel kind of tender and pre-menstrual at the moment. Just waiting for it to start. My stomach has been really on edge lately and today I just feel so exhausted, though that could be because I've also been fighting off tonsillitis this past week.
I expect it will be painful and I will lose a lot of blood. But I am scared of losing too much blood. That is my biggest fear. Hemorrhaging to death. I have started taking iron tablets and liquid chlorophyll to build my blood supply/iron reserves.
I do feel kind of tender and pre-menstrual at the moment. Just waiting for it to start. My stomach has been really on edge lately and today I just feel so exhausted, though that could be because I've also been fighting off tonsillitis this past week.
Friday, August 17, 2007
It's over. Kind of. 9W
Had our follow up OB appointment yesterday. Again the bad news was confirmed. No fetal pole was seen. It's not a viable pregnancy. I was upset but no more so than I previously had been. I had taken the previous appointment as evidence that we had lost our baby, so I did most of my grieving last week. I cannot believe it was only a week or so ago. It seems like a hell of a lot longer than that ago that I was happily (obliviously) pregnant.
The OB gave us 2 options-
wait to miscarry naturally OR
D&C
I chose to wait because I want to avoid surgery where possible. But I am still terrified of miscarrying naturally. The miscarriage consumes me. I think about it constantly. Every second of the day my attention is focused on my uterus. Monitoring for the slightest cramping or the sensation of blood trickling.
The OB gave us 2 options-
wait to miscarry naturally OR
D&C
I chose to wait because I want to avoid surgery where possible. But I am still terrified of miscarrying naturally. The miscarriage consumes me. I think about it constantly. Every second of the day my attention is focused on my uterus. Monitoring for the slightest cramping or the sensation of blood trickling.
Friday, August 10, 2007
Not looking encouraging.... 8W
Rang Obstetrician (OB) for the results of my HCG blood tests today. That was quite agonising. The results were not good, as to be expected.
Tues 9857
Thu 11200
So they are still rising but nowhere near doubling.
No good.
I didn't think I'd be strong enough to ring for the results. I thought I'd have to get M to do it. But I managed. And I didn't even cry. I think I did my initial grieving and acceptance that we'd lost our baby on Tuesday after the scan. Of course it will take a while to fully adjust to the loss of our pregnancy - all the ramifications of that.
I have not cried today, even after hearing the bad news. I did not cry yesterday until we went to bed at night. It is always hardest at night when the day is done.
Tues 9857
Thu 11200
So they are still rising but nowhere near doubling.
No good.
I didn't think I'd be strong enough to ring for the results. I thought I'd have to get M to do it. But I managed. And I didn't even cry. I think I did my initial grieving and acceptance that we'd lost our baby on Tuesday after the scan. Of course it will take a while to fully adjust to the loss of our pregnancy - all the ramifications of that.
I have not cried today, even after hearing the bad news. I did not cry yesterday until we went to bed at night. It is always hardest at night when the day is done.
Wednesday, August 8, 2007
The beginning... 7W5D
Morning thoughts:
Yesterday we had some really great news and we also had some really sad news.
First of all, the really great news is that M got a long hoped for promotion at work. This is a wonderful achievement and I'm sure he'll make every success of it.
As for the sad news, I don't really know where to begin. Yesterday afternoon we had our first obstetrician's appointment. We were thrilled at the prospect of getting to see our baby for the first time and see its heart beating.
When we were doing the ultrasound though, it became apparent that there was something wrong. The obstetrician said he couldn't really see anything on the abdominal ultrasound, so he did a vaginal one (very unpleasant), which would supposedly be much clearer. So he did that but he still could not detect the fetal pole or heart beat.
At this point I was rather upset. This was not at all what we were expecting. It was very far from our happy moment of seeing our baby for the first time. I am not a trained ultrasound technician but the two ultrasound printouts he made looked for all the world like a gestational sack with nothing in it. The sack appeared to be growing fine, measuring 6W6D as we'd expect, but it looks like the baby didn't grow.
The doctor was trying to be upbeat and saying maybe it's just too small, but I don't feel hopeful at all. When we got out into the reception area, waiting to pay, I started to cry. To add insult to injury the consultation set us back $192.
As we walked out M an d I didn't really say much about it, but we decided to go to a park nearby and talk. Before we got in the truck M said "No matter what happens, we'll be OK" and that's the best thing that he could have said because it's true. This is sad and awful but at the end of the day we will get through it, we will be OK.
So our little baby, that we were so excited about having conceived, is not to be. It was given to us so easily (first month off the pill) and taken away just as quickly. 7 weeks is early to lose a pregnancy, I know. It's not like we had a full term baby that was born still. That would be so much harder to cope with. But it still hurts. We were pregnant, we were excited about having this baby, and now we are no longer having this baby. Our dreams for this baby have been taken from us. I still feel hope for the future though, and am positive that we will done day soon get our baby.
I always felt extremely grateful and lucky that we fell pregnant so soon after I stopped taking the pill. That we didn't have to go through months of hope and despair in trying to conceive (TTC). But now it looks like we are back to square one with that, but it's much worse because I have not actually expelled (for want of a better word) the baby yet.
So now we are in a kind of limbo time of waiting to miscarry. I am scared of what the future holds in that regard. I would like to miscarry naturally. But only because I am terrified of having a D&C under general anaesthetic. I have never had a GA before.
M said that he would still like to think I'm pregnant but I am a lot more pessimistic than that. I just want it to be over if it's over. To have the miscarriage and get on with things.
It's ironic that I have had no bleeding at all. No signs of miscarriage and my breasts continue to be sore as in pregnancy. That part is cruel. If there is no baby, why can't my body work it out? It's not a nice feeling at all.
At the park afterwards I kept telling M "I'm sorry". Not that I blame myself, it's not anyone's fault, just another example of random acts of nature. Just that I'm so sorry that his first experience of pregnancy has to be like this. He told me last night that he thinks this will bring us closer together. I had been thinking the same thing. We have turned to each other in our grief, which is a good thing. So now we will know loss, but we will face it together and we will get through it.
A woman with a pram just walked past (I am sitting at a little table on the front deck of our house, overlooking the street). It is a little painful but I don't feel too jealous because you never know what someone else has gone through to get their child. Loss is more common than you'd realise.
I did a bit of reading on the Forums about other pregnancy losses and it was encouraging to see people's signatures with details of a pregnancy they are currently carrying after posting about a miscarriage in the not too distant past. I think that will be us soon.
I have cried a few times today. Once in the night and a lot yesterday afternoon/night. But I didn't cry as much writing this as I thought I would have. I only cried when I wrote about having the ultrasound. I am looking to the future, hoping we make it through the next few weeks/months intact and then looking forward to TTC again.
I just wish it hadn't happened but I am powerless to change it.
6PM thoughts:
I haven't been too bad today, all things considered. This morning I was quite teary. Then when I took Izzy out to lunch I was on the verge of tears quite a few times but managed not to cry. Then this afternoon I have not been teary at all. Sad at times, but not teary. I think that one day there will be a day when I do not cry at all over this. I am sure we will be pregnant again soon, so I am just looking to the future. It is a strange time now. Waiting/hoping to miscarry. That's not something I ever imagined I'd be doing.
Yesterday we had some really great news and we also had some really sad news.
First of all, the really great news is that M got a long hoped for promotion at work. This is a wonderful achievement and I'm sure he'll make every success of it.
As for the sad news, I don't really know where to begin. Yesterday afternoon we had our first obstetrician's appointment. We were thrilled at the prospect of getting to see our baby for the first time and see its heart beating.
When we were doing the ultrasound though, it became apparent that there was something wrong. The obstetrician said he couldn't really see anything on the abdominal ultrasound, so he did a vaginal one (very unpleasant), which would supposedly be much clearer. So he did that but he still could not detect the fetal pole or heart beat.
At this point I was rather upset. This was not at all what we were expecting. It was very far from our happy moment of seeing our baby for the first time. I am not a trained ultrasound technician but the two ultrasound printouts he made looked for all the world like a gestational sack with nothing in it. The sack appeared to be growing fine, measuring 6W6D as we'd expect, but it looks like the baby didn't grow.
The doctor was trying to be upbeat and saying maybe it's just too small, but I don't feel hopeful at all. When we got out into the reception area, waiting to pay, I started to cry. To add insult to injury the consultation set us back $192.
As we walked out M an d I didn't really say much about it, but we decided to go to a park nearby and talk. Before we got in the truck M said "No matter what happens, we'll be OK" and that's the best thing that he could have said because it's true. This is sad and awful but at the end of the day we will get through it, we will be OK.
So our little baby, that we were so excited about having conceived, is not to be. It was given to us so easily (first month off the pill) and taken away just as quickly. 7 weeks is early to lose a pregnancy, I know. It's not like we had a full term baby that was born still. That would be so much harder to cope with. But it still hurts. We were pregnant, we were excited about having this baby, and now we are no longer having this baby. Our dreams for this baby have been taken from us. I still feel hope for the future though, and am positive that we will done day soon get our baby.
I always felt extremely grateful and lucky that we fell pregnant so soon after I stopped taking the pill. That we didn't have to go through months of hope and despair in trying to conceive (TTC). But now it looks like we are back to square one with that, but it's much worse because I have not actually expelled (for want of a better word) the baby yet.
So now we are in a kind of limbo time of waiting to miscarry. I am scared of what the future holds in that regard. I would like to miscarry naturally. But only because I am terrified of having a D&C under general anaesthetic. I have never had a GA before.
M said that he would still like to think I'm pregnant but I am a lot more pessimistic than that. I just want it to be over if it's over. To have the miscarriage and get on with things.
It's ironic that I have had no bleeding at all. No signs of miscarriage and my breasts continue to be sore as in pregnancy. That part is cruel. If there is no baby, why can't my body work it out? It's not a nice feeling at all.
At the park afterwards I kept telling M "I'm sorry". Not that I blame myself, it's not anyone's fault, just another example of random acts of nature. Just that I'm so sorry that his first experience of pregnancy has to be like this. He told me last night that he thinks this will bring us closer together. I had been thinking the same thing. We have turned to each other in our grief, which is a good thing. So now we will know loss, but we will face it together and we will get through it.
A woman with a pram just walked past (I am sitting at a little table on the front deck of our house, overlooking the street). It is a little painful but I don't feel too jealous because you never know what someone else has gone through to get their child. Loss is more common than you'd realise.
I did a bit of reading on the Forums about other pregnancy losses and it was encouraging to see people's signatures with details of a pregnancy they are currently carrying after posting about a miscarriage in the not too distant past. I think that will be us soon.
I have cried a few times today. Once in the night and a lot yesterday afternoon/night. But I didn't cry as much writing this as I thought I would have. I only cried when I wrote about having the ultrasound. I am looking to the future, hoping we make it through the next few weeks/months intact and then looking forward to TTC again.
I just wish it hadn't happened but I am powerless to change it.
6PM thoughts:
I haven't been too bad today, all things considered. This morning I was quite teary. Then when I took Izzy out to lunch I was on the verge of tears quite a few times but managed not to cry. Then this afternoon I have not been teary at all. Sad at times, but not teary. I think that one day there will be a day when I do not cry at all over this. I am sure we will be pregnant again soon, so I am just looking to the future. It is a strange time now. Waiting/hoping to miscarry. That's not something I ever imagined I'd be doing.
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