My Pity Party 10W

10 weeks of this fucking nightmare.

WARNING

I am feeling a little emotionally unbalanced at the minute.



I was reading pregnant-husband.blogspot.com and his wife's first pregnancy was a blighted ovum. But then I went on to read about their next pregnancy which happened pretty soon after their (D&C) miscarriage and resulted in a healthy baby boy. I saw the picture from their 12 week ultrasound and instead of being happy and hopeful I was upset thinking that's what I should have inside me about now, instead of this fucking empty sack that will not budge.



Then I get an email from M stating that next month will be a big one in terms of his family commitments, as it is his birthday, his dad's birthday and his brother's birthday. Not to mention with his brother coming back from London there will probably be a big "welcome home" party for him. His brother, whose wife is pregnant and due in December, who announced they were 12 weeks pregnant one week before M & I were finally able to start "trying" (health insurance waiting period....). So No, I don't fucking want to go to your brother's Welcome Home Party. Excuse me, but I just don't feel like it. I am having quite the little pity party today.



Maybe I am being silly and stubborn in waiting for this natural miscarriage. Maybe I should just go and get the D&C and get it over and done with. Over. Finished. So we can start trying again. I so want to be pregnant again.



It's funny but I feel somehow different today. I physically feel "normal". Not pregnant. Those little cramps I've had ever day of this pregnancy seem to have gone. When we made love this morning I just felt normal, not at all tender like I have been lately.



Emotionally I am quite the opposite however.



I am just now doing a google search on "induce miscarriage" and suggesting to M via email perhaps we should tell people about our loss so we don't get his brother's pregnancy rammed down our throats for the next however many months.