The beginning... 7W5D

Morning thoughts:

Yesterday we had some really great news and we also had some really sad news.

First of all, the really great news is that M got a long hoped for promotion at work. This is a wonderful achievement and I'm sure he'll make every success of it.

As for the sad news, I don't really know where to begin. Yesterday afternoon we had our first obstetrician's appointment. We were thrilled at the prospect of getting to see our baby for the first time and see its heart beating.

When we were doing the ultrasound though, it became apparent that there was something wrong. The obstetrician said he couldn't really see anything on the abdominal ultrasound, so he did a vaginal one (very unpleasant), which would supposedly be much clearer. So he did that but he still could not detect the fetal pole or heart beat.

At this point I was rather upset. This was not at all what we were expecting. It was very far from our happy moment of seeing our baby for the first time. I am not a trained ultrasound technician but the two ultrasound printouts he made looked for all the world like a gestational sack with nothing in it. The sack appeared to be growing fine, measuring 6W6D as we'd expect, but it looks like the baby didn't grow.

The doctor was trying to be upbeat and saying maybe it's just too small, but I don't feel hopeful at all. When we got out into the reception area, waiting to pay, I started to cry. To add insult to injury the consultation set us back $192.

As we walked out M an d I didn't really say much about it, but we decided to go to a park nearby and talk. Before we got in the truck M said "No matter what happens, we'll be OK" and that's the best thing that he could have said because it's true. This is sad and awful but at the end of the day we will get through it, we will be OK.

So our little baby, that we were so excited about having conceived, is not to be. It was given to us so easily (first month off the pill) and taken away just as quickly. 7 weeks is early to lose a pregnancy, I know. It's not like we had a full term baby that was born still. That would be so much harder to cope with. But it still hurts. We were pregnant, we were excited about having this baby, and now we are no longer having this baby. Our dreams for this baby have been taken from us. I still feel hope for the future though, and am positive that we will done day soon get our baby.

I always felt extremely grateful and lucky that we fell pregnant so soon after I stopped taking the pill. That we didn't have to go through months of hope and despair in trying to conceive (TTC). But now it looks like we are back to square one with that, but it's much worse because I have not actually expelled (for want of a better word) the baby yet.

So now we are in a kind of limbo time of waiting to miscarry. I am scared of what the future holds in that regard. I would like to miscarry naturally. But only because I am terrified of having a D&C under general anaesthetic. I have never had a GA before.

M said that he would still like to think I'm pregnant but I am a lot more pessimistic than that. I just want it to be over if it's over. To have the miscarriage and get on with things.

It's ironic that I have had no bleeding at all. No signs of miscarriage and my breasts continue to be sore as in pregnancy. That part is cruel. If there is no baby, why can't my body work it out? It's not a nice feeling at all.

At the park afterwards I kept telling M "I'm sorry". Not that I blame myself, it's not anyone's fault, just another example of random acts of nature. Just that I'm so sorry that his first experience of pregnancy has to be like this. He told me last night that he thinks this will bring us closer together. I had been thinking the same thing. We have turned to each other in our grief, which is a good thing. So now we will know loss, but we will face it together and we will get through it.

A woman with a pram just walked past (I am sitting at a little table on the front deck of our house, overlooking the street). It is a little painful but I don't feel too jealous because you never know what someone else has gone through to get their child. Loss is more common than you'd realise.

I did a bit of reading on the Forums about other pregnancy losses and it was encouraging to see people's signatures with details of a pregnancy they are currently carrying after posting about a miscarriage in the not too distant past. I think that will be us soon.

I have cried a few times today. Once in the night and a lot yesterday afternoon/night. But I didn't cry as much writing this as I thought I would have. I only cried when I wrote about having the ultrasound. I am looking to the future, hoping we make it through the next few weeks/months intact and then looking forward to TTC again.

I just wish it hadn't happened but I am powerless to change it.


6PM thoughts:

I haven't been too bad today, all things considered. This morning I was quite teary. Then when I took Izzy out to lunch I was on the verge of tears quite a few times but managed not to cry. Then this afternoon I have not been teary at all. Sad at times, but not teary. I think that one day there will be a day when I do not cry at all over this. I am sure we will be pregnant again soon, so I am just looking to the future. It is a strange time now. Waiting/hoping to miscarry. That's not something I ever imagined I'd be doing.