I have definitely noticed some strange sticky yellowish mucous today for the first time.
Is something happening???????????????
Tuesday, August 28, 2007
Still nothing..... 10W4D
Nothing, nada, zip, zilch.
So here are the things that I have tried to do to bring on this miscarriage that have not worked:
- rubbing peppermint oil on my lower abdomen
- drinking peppermint tea
- visualisations
- having sex
- abdominal massage
OK, admittedly I haven't tried any of them particularly hard.
But still!
Christ!
What will it take to get this thing to let go???
Last night I asked the near-full moon what I can do to make the miscarriage happen sooner and it told me that you can't rush the cycles of nature. So I asked for patience. And I asked not to hemorrhage when it does happen. It also told me to shower my husband with love (in response to a different question).... aah the moon is wise.
Speaking of the moon, tonight, being on the Eastern Seaboard of Australia we are in a prime position to witness the Lunar Eclipse. A blood red moon is expected. Surely there could be a no more auspicious sign to herald the long-awaited Miscarriage.
(OK, maybe I have lost my mind now!)
Just wanted to add I will be away on a conference for the next few nights so won't be able to post updates. Don't get too excited... Just because I'm not posting doesn't mean I'm finally having the miscarriage!
So here are the things that I have tried to do to bring on this miscarriage that have not worked:
- rubbing peppermint oil on my lower abdomen
- drinking peppermint tea
- visualisations
- having sex
- abdominal massage
OK, admittedly I haven't tried any of them particularly hard.
But still!
Christ!
What will it take to get this thing to let go???
Last night I asked the near-full moon what I can do to make the miscarriage happen sooner and it told me that you can't rush the cycles of nature. So I asked for patience. And I asked not to hemorrhage when it does happen. It also told me to shower my husband with love (in response to a different question).... aah the moon is wise.
Speaking of the moon, tonight, being on the Eastern Seaboard of Australia we are in a prime position to witness the Lunar Eclipse. A blood red moon is expected. Surely there could be a no more auspicious sign to herald the long-awaited Miscarriage.
(OK, maybe I have lost my mind now!)
Just wanted to add I will be away on a conference for the next few nights so won't be able to post updates. Don't get too excited... Just because I'm not posting doesn't mean I'm finally having the miscarriage!
Monday, August 27, 2007
I miss our baby too 10W3D
No sign of anything on the miscarriage front. Over the weekend M and I talked a little about it and he said that he misses our baby. I cried when he said that. We did have a baby, for a few short weeks.
Pregnancy breast-tenderness has all but disappeared. I have stopped thinking so much about what the actual miscarriage will be like since it seems like such a remote event. I wonder if my body is busy all this time breaking down the gestational sack etc so that when the m/c happens it won't be much more than a period. God I wish that were the truth of it. I have stopped being all panicky thinking the miscarriage is going to happen any minute, because frankly it's not.
Pregnancy breast-tenderness has all but disappeared. I have stopped thinking so much about what the actual miscarriage will be like since it seems like such a remote event. I wonder if my body is busy all this time breaking down the gestational sack etc so that when the m/c happens it won't be much more than a period. God I wish that were the truth of it. I have stopped being all panicky thinking the miscarriage is going to happen any minute, because frankly it's not.
Friday, August 24, 2007
My Pity Party 10W
10 weeks of this fucking nightmare.
WARNING
I am feeling a little emotionally unbalanced at the minute.
I was reading pregnant-husband.blogspot.com and his wife's first pregnancy was a blighted ovum. But then I went on to read about their next pregnancy which happened pretty soon after their (D&C) miscarriage and resulted in a healthy baby boy. I saw the picture from their 12 week ultrasound and instead of being happy and hopeful I was upset thinking that's what I should have inside me about now, instead of this fucking empty sack that will not budge.
Then I get an email from M stating that next month will be a big one in terms of his family commitments, as it is his birthday, his dad's birthday and his brother's birthday. Not to mention with his brother coming back from London there will probably be a big "welcome home" party for him. His brother, whose wife is pregnant and due in December, who announced they were 12 weeks pregnant one week before M & I were finally able to start "trying" (health insurance waiting period....). So No, I don't fucking want to go to your brother's Welcome Home Party. Excuse me, but I just don't feel like it. I am having quite the little pity party today.
Maybe I am being silly and stubborn in waiting for this natural miscarriage. Maybe I should just go and get the D&C and get it over and done with. Over. Finished. So we can start trying again. I so want to be pregnant again.
It's funny but I feel somehow different today. I physically feel "normal". Not pregnant. Those little cramps I've had ever day of this pregnancy seem to have gone. When we made love this morning I just felt normal, not at all tender like I have been lately.
Emotionally I am quite the opposite however.
I am just now doing a google search on "induce miscarriage" and suggesting to M via email perhaps we should tell people about our loss so we don't get his brother's pregnancy rammed down our throats for the next however many months.
WARNING
I am feeling a little emotionally unbalanced at the minute.
I was reading pregnant-husband.blogspot.com and his wife's first pregnancy was a blighted ovum. But then I went on to read about their next pregnancy which happened pretty soon after their (D&C) miscarriage and resulted in a healthy baby boy. I saw the picture from their 12 week ultrasound and instead of being happy and hopeful I was upset thinking that's what I should have inside me about now, instead of this fucking empty sack that will not budge.
Then I get an email from M stating that next month will be a big one in terms of his family commitments, as it is his birthday, his dad's birthday and his brother's birthday. Not to mention with his brother coming back from London there will probably be a big "welcome home" party for him. His brother, whose wife is pregnant and due in December, who announced they were 12 weeks pregnant one week before M & I were finally able to start "trying" (health insurance waiting period....). So No, I don't fucking want to go to your brother's Welcome Home Party. Excuse me, but I just don't feel like it. I am having quite the little pity party today.
Maybe I am being silly and stubborn in waiting for this natural miscarriage. Maybe I should just go and get the D&C and get it over and done with. Over. Finished. So we can start trying again. I so want to be pregnant again.
It's funny but I feel somehow different today. I physically feel "normal". Not pregnant. Those little cramps I've had ever day of this pregnancy seem to have gone. When we made love this morning I just felt normal, not at all tender like I have been lately.
Emotionally I am quite the opposite however.
I am just now doing a google search on "induce miscarriage" and suggesting to M via email perhaps we should tell people about our loss so we don't get his brother's pregnancy rammed down our throats for the next however many months.
Thursday, August 23, 2007
I need to stop obsessing... Still 9W6D
I think I need to obsessing about whether every twinge I feel is a cramp and whether at any moment I have started bleeding. I'm pretty sure that when the real cramping or the real bleeding begins I will know about it, without needing to give it a second thought.
I wonder if in a way I am psychologically stopping the miscarriage from happening yet. Because it is taking a very long time... Not that I am not ready to let go of the pregnancy. I have long accepted that it is over. But maybe my fear of the miscarriage itself is preventing it from finally happening.
Well, one thing's for sure, my body knows how to hold onto a pregnancy. I'll give it that much. Just hopefully next time it'll be a viable pregnancy that it's holding on to.
I wonder if in a way I am psychologically stopping the miscarriage from happening yet. Because it is taking a very long time... Not that I am not ready to let go of the pregnancy. I have long accepted that it is over. But maybe my fear of the miscarriage itself is preventing it from finally happening.
Well, one thing's for sure, my body knows how to hold onto a pregnancy. I'll give it that much. Just hopefully next time it'll be a viable pregnancy that it's holding on to.
More false hope??? 9W6D
I was woken by Iz at 2:30am last night, with a low (diabetic). Stopping by the toilet on the way back to bed I noticed my slippery translucent cervical mucous (CM) had a definite red tinge. Is this the beginning? I went back to bed and my heart was pounding. I couldn't get back to sleep for ages. I had been waiting for so long to see blood but now that I had (or thought I had) I was scared.
I expected I would wake up a few hours later to full red blood and intensifying cramping.
But nothing.
It is 8:30am and I am at work now.
It's almost like I imagined that red tinge.
Again I ask, when will this ever end????
Last night I told M I don't think this miscarriage is ever going to happen. And we talked about how we were worried it would happen while we were at Noosa for his conference next week.
I expected I would wake up a few hours later to full red blood and intensifying cramping.
But nothing.
It is 8:30am and I am at work now.
It's almost like I imagined that red tinge.
Again I ask, when will this ever end????
Last night I told M I don't think this miscarriage is ever going to happen. And we talked about how we were worried it would happen while we were at Noosa for his conference next week.
Wednesday, August 22, 2007
Ramblings 9W5D
Sitting at my desk at work this afternoon having trawled through all 11 pages of Google search results for "waiting to miscarry" I was struck by what an awful and bizarre situation this is. I am sitting around, going about my daily life waiting to start pouring blood or have massive painful cramps. This is indeed a bizarre time.
If I forget about it, will it all just go away?
The new moon comes on September 11. That is absolutely the longest I will wait. If you believe the moon affects female fertility, the new moon is traditionally the time of bleeding.
Yesterday I started this blog about my "waiting to miscarry" experience. It's basically my diary entries published on the net. After I did the first post of the day it all begin I lost a bit of momentum because it seems like there are heaps of infertility blogs out there. But I didn't find one that detailed the day-to-day insanity that is waiting to miscarry, so I thought I'd put this out there for anyone else who is unfortunate enough to find themselves in the same situation. Today when I did my Google search on "waiting to miscarry" I saw my blog was the third link in the results! Feeling encouraged.
Still no sign of any spotting/bleeding. Just continuing abundance of that clear slippery pregnancy mucous. I am having the perfect pregnancy....oh, except I have no baby.
If I forget about it, will it all just go away?
The new moon comes on September 11. That is absolutely the longest I will wait. If you believe the moon affects female fertility, the new moon is traditionally the time of bleeding.
Yesterday I started this blog about my "waiting to miscarry" experience. It's basically my diary entries published on the net. After I did the first post of the day it all begin I lost a bit of momentum because it seems like there are heaps of infertility blogs out there. But I didn't find one that detailed the day-to-day insanity that is waiting to miscarry, so I thought I'd put this out there for anyone else who is unfortunate enough to find themselves in the same situation. Today when I did my Google search on "waiting to miscarry" I saw my blog was the third link in the results! Feeling encouraged.
Still no sign of any spotting/bleeding. Just continuing abundance of that clear slippery pregnancy mucous. I am having the perfect pregnancy....oh, except I have no baby.
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